Top questions: It's not as hard as you think!
As a parent, you've got questions. Click on the questions below to get some answers. Check out Advocates for Youth’s Parents Sex Education Center for more information.
Understanding sexuality helps kids cope with their feelings and with peer pressure. It helps them take charge of their lives and have loving relationships. It also helps protect them from sexual abuse — and from becoming sexual abusers.
Home can be the most meaningful place to learn about sexuality. We can help our kids feel good about their sexuality from the very beginning. Then they will be more likely to trust us enough to ask questions about sex later on in life.
Young people are less likely to take sexual risks if they have
- a positive view of sexuality
- information that they need to take care of their sexual health
- clarity about their own values and an understanding of their families’ values
- self-esteem and self-confidence
- interpersonal skills, such as assertiveness and decision-making abilities
- a sense that their actions affect what happens
- a connection to home, family, and other caring adults in their community, school, or religious institution
Questions and answers adapted from Planned Parenthood’s “How to Talk to Your Children About Sex.”
It's best to start as soon as children begin getting sexual messages. And they start getting them as soon as they're born. Children learn how to think and feel about their bodies and their sexual behavior from things we do and say — from the way we hold them, talk to them, dress them, teach them the words for their body parts, give them feedback on their behavior, and behave in their presence.
But don't worry if you haven't started yet. It's never too late. Just don't try to "catch up" all at once. The most important thing is for parents to start the conversations early and make them a regular thing. YOU want to be the resource for your child if they have a question or concern.
When communicating be open and most importantly remember your child's experience is not your own. Sharing your own fears and experiences also helps to break down the barriers and allows your child to start to talk openly and honestly with you.. sometimes listening is just as important as talking.
Learn more about how kids are growing and what information they need when in the Growth and Development section.
Questions and answers adapted from Planned Parenthood’s “How to Talk to Your Children About Sex.”
Even thinking about talking with teens about sex sends many parents frantically running for the exit. But parents cannot afford to remain silent about contraception when talking with teens.
Young Americans grow up in a society that uses sex to sell every product imaginable—from cars to cola. And the newest sex educator, the Internet, has perils as well as positives in what it offers related to sex.
Some parents look forward to talking with their children about the wonders of human reproduction and human sexuality. But many find it difficult to talk about important topics like relationships and sex and sexuality. The good news is that, if we pay attention, we can find many everyday moments in our lives that can prompt conversations about these topics:
- Our favorite TV show may feature a character going through puberty.
- Our neighbor or friend may be pregnant.
- Models in print ads or on billboards may make us think about and question our own bodies and body image.
After you’ve thought about what you want to say on a subject, use the next teachable moment that comes up. The first few times you do this, children may be cautious and ask, “Why do you want to know?” Or they may search for an answer they think will please you. It may take several tries before you can speak comfortably together.
Questions and answers adapted from Planned Parenthood’s “How to Talk to Your Children About Sex.”
Don’t let fear get in the way. Being open and available about subjects such as sex and sexuality can be challenging. Some common fears that many parents have are:
- Looking dumb. Many of us weren’t taught about sex and sexuality, yet we may feel that we should know all the answers. But if our children ask us about something we don’t know, we can simply say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”
- Feeling embarrassed. It’s very common for parents or children to feel embarrassed when talking about sex and sexuality. The best way to handle it is to admit how we’re feeling — we can simply say, “I might get a little tense or uncomfortable during this conversation, and you might, too. That’s okay for both of us — it’s totally normal.”
- Encouraging sexual experimentation. There is a myth that information about sex is harmful to children and that it will lead to sexual experimentation. The fact is that our children won’t be more likely to have sex if we talk about it. In reality, kids who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to postpone having sex.
- Feeling as though talking won’t make a difference. Children look to their parents to teach them about sexuality. Most young people prefer to hear about it from their parents than from other people. In fact, young adolescents place parents at the top of their list of influences when it comes to their sexual attitudes and behaviors.
Questions and answers adapted from Planned Parenthood’s “How to Talk to Your Children About Sex.”
Children have different concerns about sex at different ages. They also have different abilities to understand concepts — and different attention spans. If your five-year-old asks, “What is birth?” you might answer, “When a baby comes out a mother’s body.” If your 10-year-old asked the same question, your answer would have more detail, and might begin, “After nine months of growing inside a woman’s uterus …”
Preteens and teens often spend a great deal of time wondering if they’re “normal”. We can help them understand that it is "normal" for everyone to be different. In fact, the most important lesson we can share with our kids is just that — being different is normal.
Prepare for the conversation by learning about what kids need to know about what age:
One thing is for certain — if a child is old enough and knowledgeable enough to ask a question, the child is old enough to get a truthful answer. Children with developmental delays and disabilities also deserve truthful answers in language that they can understand.
Tell your children what you believe in and why. Share your values with them. Many studies show that teenagers are affected by their parents’ values. When parents share positive feelings about birth control, adolescents are more likely to use birth control if they have sex. When parents have negative views of teen pregnancy, teenagers are less likely to give birth.
Take time to understand your own values, feelings, and beliefs. Find a friend who will listen and help you get clear about what you think and feel.
Remember that children learn by observation, so how you express yourself non-verbally is just as important as what you say to them. For example, showing them affection with a warm hug or kiss sends the message that you are open and value the closeness that you share.
Questions and answers adapted from Planned Parenthood’s “How to Talk to Your Children About Sex.”
Visit Advocates for Youth’s Parents Sex Education Center (www.advocatesforyouth.org/psec) for much more information and resources. Visit the National Campaign to End Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy for more information about teen pregnancy prevention.
You may also find the following books helpful:
Books for Parents
From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children by Debra W. Haffner
Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah M. Roffman
Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters With Intellectual Disabilities by Karin Melberg Schwier and David Hingsburger
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying by Michael Riera
The Real Truth About Teens and Sex: From Hooking Up to Friends with Benefits — What Teens Are Thinking, Doing, and Talking About, and How to Help Them Make Smart Choices by Sabrina Weill
Why Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh
Books for Children and Teens
There are books written about sexuality for children of different ages. Reading books about sexuality with your children is a great way for you to break the ice and start an ongoing discussion. And children will benefit from having books like these in your home to look at when they have questions about sexuality.
It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie Harris (for ages 4 and up)
It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie Harris (for ages 10 and up)
It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families by Robie Harris (for ages 7 and up)
What's the Big Secret?: Talking about Sex with Girls and Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (for ages 4-8)
The “What's Happening to My Body?” Book for Boys: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Sons by Lynda Madaras and Martin Anderson (for ages 8 to 15)
The “What's Happening to My Body?” Book for Girls: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Daughters by Lynda Madaras and Marcia Herman-Giddens (for ages 8 to 15)